


Revelations in Reverse

by idmakeitbehave



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode: s02e15 Revelations, F/M, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kidnapping, Love Confessions, M/M, Torture, angst angst angst but-, just trust me :))
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26996626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idmakeitbehave/pseuds/idmakeitbehave
Summary: Spencer couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see, couldn’t think. You were gone. Gone.(An AU in whichyouwere the one taken)
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 287





	Revelations in Reverse

Something was wrong.

Something was very, very wrong.

Spencer didn’t know how to explain it, couldn’t quite put a finger on it. But he knew. He just knew.

They had been trying to contact you and JJ, but both of your phones were going straight to voicemail. At first they had chalked it up to the poor service in the area, but it didn’t take long for them to realize it was something worse. Much worse.

When they pulled up to the Hankel residence, the sinking feeling in the pit of Spencer’s stomach grew. They cleared the house quickly- no one was inside. He was just about to exit when he heard shouting coming from the barn.

There was a brief moment where he felt almost relieved. You and JJ would be there, he was sure. Maybe a little banged up, but ultimately fine.

That, however, was not the case.

The sight that met them in the barn? Horrific. There were no other words to describe it. Spencer turned away from the bloody mattress and the deceased animals, uselessly trying to remove the images from his memory. They would live there forever.

JJ stood with Emily and Derek, a dazed look on her face. “They just- they just tore her apart. There was nothing left.” Her eyes were unfocused, her hands shaking as she spun around.

“JJ, look at me,” Emily said, reaching out to steady her. “Where’s Y/L/N?”

JJ’s voice was flat when she answered. “Around- around back. We split up.”

Those words hit Spencer like a freight train. He ran after Derek, the two of them heading out of the barn and towards the cornfield. They would find you. They _had_ to find you.

But there was no one. Nothing.

“ _Reid!_ ”

Spencer followed Derek’s voice, his heart dropping when he found him. There was the clear indication of a struggle, a patch of the cornfield matted down, drag marks leading away from the barn. Someone had been dragged.

Not someone. _You_.

Spencer couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see, couldn’t think. You were gone.

Gone.

How had this happened?

He followed Derek without thinking as they made their way to the ambulance. His feet led him without his permission. The words exchanged went unheard by him, the lights outside blindingly bright as he blinked uselessly.

“You can’t find Y/N?”

Spencer heard that. He turned towards JJ, their eyes finally meeting as she gaped at him.

He could see the emotions flash on her face. Confusion, shame, complete and utter heartbreak. They mirrored his own, but he couldn’t speak to her. Not when you were gone.

There was no blame to be placed, although the urge tugged at him. It was your idea to split up. That much he knew. Both you and JJ had made the wrong choice. It happened sometimes, you’d all been there before. The only difference was that this time the choice may have proven to be catastrophic.

“Spence-” she began.

He couldn’t. If he opened his mouth, he would say something he would regret. Something he couldn’t take back. He spun on his heels, running back towards the house.

There had to be something there, something that would lead them to you.

The minutes turned to hours, night turning into day. No sign of you. No sign that you were even still alive. You had to be. There was no other option.

People came and went throughout the house, lead after lead turning up nothing. Spencer was only vaguely aware of the events around him. He heard the sound of Penelope arriving, settling into the computer room. People spoke at him, around him, to him.

The noises swam, bleeding into one another as he read. He poured through book after book, journal after journal. There had to be something in there. Anything. Anything that would tell him where you were. Anything that would get him to you in time.

Had it really just been two nights ago that you were all at the bar together? A rare night out, the entire team (sans Gideon) enjoying each other’s company. Everyone smiling and laughing together, the burdens of their day to day finally alleviated for the time being. All that mattered was that they were together.

Love and laughter.

That’s what Spencer thought of when he thought of you. The way your face lit up when you got him to try your ridiculously fruity cocktail, how you playfully hit his arm when he rattled off statistics about alcohol in response.

The thought that that might be the last time he ever felt your hands on him threatened to suffocate him.

This couldn’t be it. He wouldn’t allow it.

If he had known this would happen, he would have done so many things differently. All the times he had stopped himself- from reaching out, from holding your hand, from telling you how he felt- were running through his head. If only he could go back in time, change things. Change everything.

He would have kept you from going to this godforsaken house in the first place.

It should have been him. If it had to be anyone, it should have been him.

He should have seen it coming, should have been faster, smarter. Better. He should have known that Tobias wasn’t a witness. That you were walking straight into the unsub.

If you died because he was too slow? He would never forgive himself.

Spencer was spiraling. His thoughts were swimming, his hands still shaking. This couldn’t be happening. He had to focus. For you.

For you, he would do anything.

He jumped back into the conversation, the rapid-fire exchange of information and ideas between everyone sending the team into a frenzy. They had just come to the conclusion that Tobias had experienced a psychotic fracture, probably precipitated by his drug problem, and was living as at least three different people. It gave them some answers, but none of the ones that they so desperately needed. Nothing that would lead them to you.

“Guys! _Guys!_ ” Someone was yelling. It took Spencer a moment to place the voice in his haze- Derek. “Get in here!”

They crowded into the computer room, everyone’s faces dropping, their eyes wide. Spencer was the last one in, wondering what all the fuss was about.

You.

It was you.

Beaten, battered, tear-stained. But alive. Very much alive.

Spencer couldn’t breathe again. All he felt was the intense urge to jump through the computer screen, to punch Tobias in the face, to take you home. To make you safe.

Spencer had never punched someone in the face. He almost certainly couldn’t do it if he tried.

But for you? Anything.

Penelope couldn’t track it, couldn’t locate where the stream was coming from. She was typing furiously, tears running down her face as she worked. But nothing.

The air left the room when they heard Tobias speak. _“Choose one to die. I’ll let you choose one to live.”_

 _“No.”_ Your voice was quiet, and Spencer could instantly hear how much you were trying to control the trembling. How much you were trying to maintain any semblance of control.

Spencer had always believed in you, _would_ always believe in you. You could do it. You had to.

_“The other heathens are watching.”_

Your eyes snapped to the camera at that. It felt like you were staring directly at Spencer, straight into his soul. He said a silent prayer to a god he didn’t believe in that you could hear him, that you knew that he was there. That he was looking for you.

He would never stop looking for you.

 _“I won’t do it,”_ you said. _“I won’t choose someone for you to slaughter like sheep. They’re innocent.”_

The slap that Tobias delivered to your face felt like it echoed, someone behind Spencer stifling a gasp as Tobias heaved you up by your neck.

_“Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise, they’re all dead.”_

Tobias threw you back onto the chair, and you chose. You chose one to live. There was no other way.

Your voice cracked, your eyes flickering to the camera once more. They were dull. That endless, mesmerizing sparkle that Spencer saw in his dreams? Gone.

And then- nothing. The screen went dark.

It felt like you had been taken all over again, like Spencer would be brought to his knees in an instant. If he fell, he might never get back up.

It felt like there was nothing.

***

You had killed them.

You had killed them, you had killed them, _you had killed them._

Logically, you knew it wasn’t true. It wasn’t your fault, it _couldn’t_ be your fault. But logic was nowhere to be found right now. You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

All you could focus on were the monitors in front of you, the one source of light in this dim shed.

It wasn’t your fault.

You wished that you could believe it.

The couple on the screen didn’t know what was coming, who lurked outside their door. You could see Tobias in the shadows, could feel the bile rising up in your throat.

You wanted to scream at them to turn around, to run, to call for help. Anything. But instead you were frozen. You were completely and utterly useless.

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening.

Just an instant later and it was too late.

Hot, salty tears ran down your face as their screams rang in your ears, their cries for help echoing over and over. There was a metallic taste in your mouth.

Blood. You hadn’t even realized that you were bleeding.

You stared at the living room, unable to tear your eyes away from the screen. It played out like a scene from a movie, like you were hovering above yourself. It wasn’t real. Nothing was real.

There was nothing left.

There was a frenzy of movement as paramedics and police filed in, blurring across the room.

Your vision was swimming, your world tilting on its axis. There was no telling how much time had passed. You hadn’t blinked, hadn’t breathed in so long. Too long for you to still be alive.

Maybe you weren’t.

_“Y/N.”_

Spencer. You heard Spencer’s voice. He always _had_ been your angel.

Maybe you really were dead.

_“Y/N, if you’re watching this, this wasn’t your fault. You hear me?”_

You finally blinked.

Spencer. There he was, right in front of you. Right there, and yet so far away. An entire lifetime away.

_“It’s not your fault, pumpkin. We’re going to find you, we’re coming for you. I’m coming for you. Just hold on.”_

They were going to find you. _Spencer_ was going to find you.

The only question was if you would still be alive when they did.

Pumpkin _. Pumpkin._ Spencer’s voice was in the back of your mind, his eyes boring into you as they so often did. Brown and gold, so soft and sweet. Everything about Spencer was soft and sweet.

All you wanted was to remember how that felt. How it felt to feel anything besides pain, besides this aching numbness.

You closed your eyes and you could see it. The two of you cuddled on his couch, him laughing with whipped cream on his nose at the ice cream parlor, the way he would pick you up and spin you around. Every moment with him. There were so many, and yet somehow not nearly enough.

You should have told him. Now you might never get the chance.

You might never get to hear him call you pumpkin again.

***

Penelope couldn’t shut down the feed. Gideon was begging her to do something, _anything_. The tension was palpable as she sent out a mass message, warning the entire file-sharing chain that the latest video was actually a virus.

It was the most she could do. They could only hope that it was enough.

Spencer blinked and without warning you were back on the screen.

You didn’t look like you. You looked like a shell of you, your face blank, your eyes unseeing. One of your sleeves was rolled up, a belt still wrapped around your arm.

JJ was the first one to speak. “Are those- are those track marks?”

The silence in the room was punctuated by a crack as someone’s fist met the door behind them. Derek.

_“This ends now. Confess your sins.”_

Penelope’s hand was in Spencer’s, squeezing it for dear life. He couldn’t feel it, couldn’t feel anything. All he could see was you. Receiving punch after punch, slap after slap.

 _“I haven’t done anything,”_ you squeaked out. “ _Tobias, help me.”_

Another resounding punch, your cry of pain ricocheting through the room. Straight through Spencer’s heart.

_“Tobias can’t help you. He’s weak- weak just like you.”_

Penelope gasped, her nails digging into the skin on Spencer’s hand. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t be seeing what he was seeing. Tobias had pushed you back, the chair snapping against the ground.

Choking. Someone was choking.

You.

“Oh my god, he’s- he’s _killing_ …”

All they could hear was you gasping for air, all they could see was your body convulsing. Gasping and convulsing and then-

Nothing.

No sound, no movement.

Nothing.

Tobias walked out of the frame, leaving the team looking at nothing but you. Your lifeless, unmoving body.

Someone was screaming.

Spencer. Spencer was screaming.

Screaming,

sobbing,

falling.

Falling to the floor, falling to his knees. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t see, couldn’t think. You were gone.

Gone.

You couldn’t be gone. This couldn’t be happening.

The room was empty. There was nothing left. Just silence. The ground under Spencer’s feet had ceased to exist. He could no longer feel his body, could no longer feel anything.

All he could do was stare, tears blurring his vision. Stare at you.

What was left of you.

Spencer couldn’t imagine a world without you in it, didn’t _want_ to imagine a world without you in it. It was like all of the light had just gone out, like all of the oxygen had disappeared.

Someone grabbed his arms, pulled him up, led him out of the room. He wasn’t sure who. There were hands on him, guiding him towards the couch. Someone was saying something to him. He couldn’t hear them. It didn’t matter.

He had been too late. He had been too slow and now you were gone.

 _You._ He would never hear your laugh again, never feel your hands on him, never see that luminous smile of yours.

Nothing mattered anymore.

It should have been him. It should be him on that floor, him no longer on this earth. It felt like he was already dead anyway.

In a way, he already was.

Empty.

The world was empty.

“Reid.” Hotch was suddenly beside him, heaving him off of the couch and back into the computer room.

The stream was still on, Tobias kneeling beside your body. It took Spencer a second to realize what he was doing. He was giving you CPR.

It didn’t make any sense.

Spencer’s mind couldn’t comprehend what he was seeing. The team was silent, none of them daring to speak. Then there was a gasp.

From you.

You let out a cough, your head rolling from side to side.

Alive. You were _alive_.

Spencer felt himself sink back to the ground, a desperate sob escaping him. There was still a chance to get to you. They had been given a second chance. He was going to find you.

And he was never going to let you go.

They were finally moving again, finally breathing again. There was a radius, they had the vaguest sense of where to search for you. It was a start. They would take anything they could get.

And then they heard it. _“Your team. Choose one to die.”_

_“No.”_

Tobias pulled you back up as you continued to gasp, desperately taking in air. Spencer didn’t even want to think about how long you had gone without oxygen, what lasting damage may have been inflicted.

_“Tell me who dies.”_

You were shaking, unable to even hold your head up. _“Kill me,”_ you whispered.

No. This couldn’t be happening. Not again.

The team watched in vain, completely helpless as Tobias insisted that you pick. Penelope’s hand was in Spencer’s again. He still couldn’t feel it.

Someone let out a gasp as Tobias pulled out a gun, loading one bullet into the chamber and spinning it before aiming directly at you.

Spencer wanted you to just give in. Just pick someone, anyone.

_“Choose.”_

_“I won’t. Kill me.”_

Spencer wanted to scream, to reach in and shake you. Pick. Just pick someone. Pick him.

_Click._

He couldn’t breathe. He didn’t have the right. He shouldn’t be able to breathe, not when this was happening. Not when he couldn’t get to you.

_“Life is a choice. Choose.”_

_“No.”_

_Click._

_“Choose.”_

You inhaled sharply, your eyes darting towards the camera.

_“I- I choose…”_

There was no air, no gravity, no anything.

_“I choose Spencer Reid.”_

Everyone’s eyes were suddenly on Spencer. He didn’t see them, couldn’t see them. All he could do was stare at you.

_“He’s- he’s selfish, prideful to a fault. He always puts himself in front of everyone else. He always has to be right. He can’t let anything go, he can’t let anything dead stay buried.”_

Tobias aimed the gun above you, pulling the trigger again. A gunshot rang out and then the screen went black once more.

Back to nothing.

You didn’t mean it.

Spencer knew without a shadow of a doubt that you didn’t mean it. The two of you always argued about how he was too selfless, always putting himself in harm’s way during cases. It was the biggest point of contention in your friendship, one that always ended in tears and endless hugs every single time he ended up in the hospital.

“They’re in a cemetery.”

Everything after that happened all at once.

***

Everything was warm. _Too_ warm.

It didn’t make sense. You were out in the woods now, still out in the freezing cold. Why weren’t you cold?

You were dead. That was the only explanation.

Tobias, Raphael, Charles. They were gone. Nowhere to be found. You were alone. Blissfully alone at last.

Maybe you had always been alone.

When you closed your eyes all you could see were flashes.

Flashes of Spencer, of your team, of your family. They were all so beautiful, so happy, so _alive._ This was what you wanted to remember. If this was the last thing you would see, maybe it was alright.

You were just so tired.

Maybe being dead wasn’t all that bad.

Maybe it was time to let go.

***

All Spencer could hear were the leaves crunching under his feet as he searched the cemetery. His ears were ringing, his hands sweaty.

He couldn’t do this. He had to focus- he had to find you.

A gunshot rang out.

He was too late. Again. Too late.

 _“We need a medic!”_ Hotch’s voice over his earpiece brought him out of his daze. A medic. You were still alive. You had to be.

Spencer ran without stopping, without thinking, without breathing. Only one thought was on his mind. He couldn’t let you go, not again.

He skidded to a stop when he caught sight of Hotch kneeling over something- _someone._ You.

Spencer barely registered that Tobias laid beside you, one fatal gunshot wound to his chest. All he could see was you.

Your lips were blue, your pulse almost nonexistent. He grabbed your hand in his. It was cold, lifeless, dirt caked under the nails.

This couldn’t be it.

Sirens sounded in the distance, time slowing to a crawl. Spencer watched helplessly as the paramedics lifted you onto the stretcher and loaded you into the ambulance.

The ambulance pulled out and then you were gone.

Gone again.

Someone’s hands were on him again. Someone was guiding him into the SUV, driving them out of the cemetery.

It didn’t matter who. All he knew was that it wasn’t the one person he wanted. The one person he needed more than life itself.

All he could do was stare out the window, every second of the last two days replaying in his mind. How did they get there? How did he let this happen?

When the team gathered in the waiting room, silence fell over them once more. There was nothing that they could say to take away the terror that they were all feeling, the total helplessness that enveloped the room. There was nothing more they could do. All that was left was hope.

Hope. Spencer wasn’t sure he knew what that was anymore.

Cold.

You had been so cold. It was the only thing Spencer could think of, the only thing he could feel.

How could you be so cold?

You were the warmest person Spencer had ever seen, the brightest person he had ever had the privilege of knowing. He couldn’t imagine not knowing you.

There was no future without you.

He was so cold.

Spencer had thought that he had so much time left. There were so many things he wanted to do with you, so many things he needed to say. What if he never got the chance? What if he had let the greatest thing in his life slip through his fingers?

He couldn’t do it.

Eventually a doctor walked in, a chart in her hands. He barely registered her entrance. She said something, but Spencer couldn’t hear it.

Someone was crying. Penelope. He didn’t want to think about what that meant. Was it too late? Was it over?

“Reid.” Emily’s hand was on his shoulder, shaking him. “Did you hear what she said?”

Spencer swallowed before shaking his head. He couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. He didn’t know anything.

“Y/N’s okay.”

The room was spinning.

Spinning,

spinning,

spinning.

Everything was blurry.

Spencer was walking, although he didn’t know where he was going. The fluorescent lights were blinding, the din of the hospital washing over him.

And then he was in your doorway. You were right there, right in front of him.

He blinked once, twice. And then-

Clarity.

He sank into the chair beside you, his hand reaching for yours. Warm. You were _so_ warm.

The color had returned to your face, your pulse steady on the monitor. He had never heard a more perfect sound.

The minutes turned into hours, Spencer never once moving from his chair. He would stay there forever if he had to.

Finally there was movement and it took him a moment to realize what it was. You were squeezing his hand. It was faint, but it was there.

You were still there.

There was still time.

You opened your eyes and Spencer swore that the outside world had stopped. Everything besides you and him had ceased to exist.

“Oh, Spence,” you whispered, your voice raspy. “I knew you would get it.”

He choked back a broken laugh, blinking away the tears that threatened to fall. “I will always find you, pumpkin.”

***

_Three Weeks Later_

Spencer hadn’t left your side once. He wasn’t planning on doing it ever again.

For the first two weeks, almost every night you woke up in a cold sweat, screaming. Back in that shed. Back in that endless nightmare.

Every night, Spencer’s arms wrapped around you. Every night he held you as you shook, his hands running through your hair until you finally fell back to sleep. The greatest comfort you could ever ask for, a lighthouse in this sea of darkness.

It wasn’t easy. Maybe it never would be.

But it was there. The future was there. _You_ were there. It was all he needed.

You needed time, people, therapy. An endless list of things, but you could do it. Spencer had never been more sure of anything. You would be alright. That was all that mattered.

Now you were in bed together, but neither of you were asleep.

He had been staying with you every night, always sleeping in your bed. The first night he had tried to sleep on the couch, worried about overstepping while you were in such a vulnerable position, but you wouldn’t have it. You didn’t want to be away from him.

Your head was on his shoulder, your hand on his chest. The only noise in the room was the two of you breathing.

Breathing.

He listened to the sound of your breaths as he raked his fingers through your hair. It was the most exquisite thing he had ever heard. He would never take another breath for granted. Never again.

Spencer could spend every day of his life like this.

“Spence?” You pulled yourself up to look at him, running your hand through his curls.

“Yeah?”

“I hope you know that I love you,” you said softly.

Spencer blinked at you, his heart in his throat. He had thought of this moment a million times before, dreamed of you saying the words that had lived in his mind for so long. It was something he thought he would never hear, something he thought you would never feel.

“I love you,” you continued, tears brimming in your eyes, “more than I thought I could ever love someone. And in that shed-” Your voice shook, your words trailing off.

“Y/N,” Spencer began, his hand coming to rest on yours.

“No, I need to say this, Spence. I don’t know if you feel the same way, and maybe you don’t. And that’s- that’s okay. I’ll be okay with that eventually. But I’m in love with you. And in that shed, when I thought it was over? I just wanted to go back in time, to tell you what I had held back for so long. And I- I thought that I was too late. I’m just- I’m just so glad that I wasn’t too late.”

You stopped speaking and suddenly you were both crying, staring at one another. Spencer reached up to wipe a tear from your cheek before breaking into a wide smile.

“Y/N, I can’t believe you would ever think that I wouldn’t love you,” he murmured. “I have loved you for the last two years, eight months, eleven days and counting. I am going to love you for the rest of my life.”

Your tears became laughter, another one of your luminous smiles gracing your face. The smile Spencer had once not been sure he would get to see again. How absolutely lucky he was to see that smile again, to breathe in your presence, to spend another moment with you.

Spencer wanted _every_ moment with you.

You leaned towards him, his breath catching in his chest. The two of you were so close, your noses almost touching. He wanted to kiss you. He wanted it more than anything, but he didn’t know if he could. If it would be right. Maybe it was too soon, too much. You were so vulnerable, trusting him with your heart. Trusting him with all of you.

You made the decision for him, pressing a kiss to his lips. Soft and sweet. Perfect. It was all that he wanted, all that he needed in this moment.

Now there was time for more.

You pressed one more kiss to his cheek before dropping your head back to his chest. Your arms went around him again, and everything was finally as it should be. All was right with the world.

It was the warmest he had ever felt. 

“I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, Spence.”

Now there was time for _everything._


End file.
